Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It's 10 pm, Do You Know Where My Remote Control Is?

Even though there is something weighing heavily on my mind, I guess I should mention my thoughts on the GOP selection of Governor Sarah Palin for McCain's runningmate.

1) Great choice. Of the two presidential candidates and two vp candidates, she seems to be the one that most people will be able to identify with. Who can't understand what it's like to wake up to a caribou standing on your porch, then blowing it away with a rifle?

2) Now a woman or a black man will be either President or VP. Great, history either way. Can we now actually look at issues?

3) Enough about the kids already. If Barack's kids are off limits, then so are Palin's. And they all should be. There was less news coverage when Jamie-Lynn Spears got pregnant (I am so ashamed of myself for even knowing her). And the Downs' Syndrome baby? What does that have to do with her leadership ability? How could someone question if she would be able to raise a special needs child as VP? Would they ask that of any man running for office? Besides, if having a special needs child was an obstacle to holding office, George Bush, Sr. would have never been able to run.

Now to the subject weighing heavily on my mind. Some of you may have noticed I haven't quite been myself for the past couple of days. You are observant. Great tragedy has befallen my household: My TiVo remote is missing.

I know, I know. Thank you for your concern, but I'm pulling through. It's not easy, but I've had the support of many wonderful people around me. Thank goodness it's the older, smaller capacity DVR. The one with almost triple the memory in the basement is working just fine - still that one is all the way down those stairs...

See, the other day after returning from Sesame Place, I was watching the kids while my wife was out food shopping. My son has this thing for playing with remote controls, so I gave him an old one (which he doesn't like because he can't get a reaction from the television) and placed the good one on the back of the couch.

That was the last anyone saw of the remote.

I tore the house apart. Drawer by drawer. Cabinet by cabinet. I looked in the pots and pans where my son has been known to hide things. I even went through the garbage.

This was very disturbing. I can only assume my son took it and put it somewhere, but where, I have no idea. I do know one thing. I will never play hide and seek with this kid - I may never find him.

So, there I was last night, going through the garbage (which, luckily, I waited a day to do; don't go through it while it's new garbage - give it a day to soak into a big mushy mess - great plan jackass). No remote there. Under the couches, no remote. Behind the toilet, no remote. In the fireplace, no remote.

At this point, I was beginning to shake. What if I had to continue to - gasp - get up off the couch to change the channel? This was completely unacceptable. Determined, I pulled up the carpet, tore off the sheetrock, excavated around the foundation of the house. Still nothing.

Where the hell was it? I started to contemplate the possibility that maybe an interdimensional wormhole had opened up in my living room and provided my son the perfect opportunity to hide the remote forever. But then, what if it wasn't my son, but some evil alien doppelganger that had replaced him...No, I had to shut that thought out. Once you start considering interdimensional wormholes and evil alien dopplegangers it rarely ends well. Besides, I convinced myself I probably would have noticed a wormhole appearing in my living room. Unless something good had been on TV at the time...

Anyway, the big problem is that the remote is still gone! Three days! For now I have devised a large stick with which I can reach the satellite box from the couch. It keeps me from having to get up, but I still have to scroll through hundreds of channels rather than just punching in a number. This insanity must end. Please pray for me and my family in these troubled times. Now, let me see what's on TV before I...hey, where the heck did that large stick go?

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