Seriously, How Many Times Do I Have to Email You Before You Understand I'm Not a Spammer

Two days ago, I received an email from a friend of mine. The email contained a forwarded SPAM email which tried to sell my friend some super Viagra or something like that. While I was still marvelling at how accurate targeted email lists had become, and while I was still conjuring up the many insults about my friend's manhood that are worthy only of good friend lest you get your teeth knocked out, I noticed the reason he had forwarded it to me. The email address from which the SPAM had been sent was:

Mrjonbraun48@yahoo.com.

Unbelieveable. I was now a spammer and didn't even know it. In reality, though, I told him it was obviously not me because it was a little too blatant. If I had made up a spam name to use, it would have been much more cryptic. Something like: Mrjonbraun448@yahoo.com.

Off I sent my response. Then I waited. I wanted to see what he had to say. So, I refreshed, checked the ol' Timex, and refreshed again.

No answer. Now, I was starting to get a little annoyed. I mean, I didn't like the idea - AT ALL - that I could be thought of as a spammer. The fact that there is an H in my name, ruling the fact that I might be behind the spam out completely, never occurred to me. Impatient, I emailed my friend again. Checked my watch, refreshed, cursed, sent another email.

Now, this was getting old. I refused to be considered a spammer anymore. Maybe he was having trouble with his internet connection, so I wrote him another email, sending him links to a new internet service provider that's supposed to be really fast.

Still nothing. Was he asleep in the middle of the day? Was he not getting enough sleep at night? Now I was worried about him, so I sent him another email, including a link to the site for Ambien. No response.

I was about to send another email, but didn't want to overwhelm him, so I set the stopwatch on my Timex to make sure I waited at least 45 seconds before I tried again. Another email.

This was, what, the sixth email? Why wasn't he answering. It reminded me of a story I'd heard about a guy who was emailing a friend and getting responses back, only to later find out his friend had been murdered before they were communicating...meaning he'd most likely been emailing with his friend's killer! I typed up the story and sent it to him and, now that it might have been happening to him I noticed how very real that situation could be, so I asked him to forward it to 20 of his friends.

And yet, as helpful as I was being - still nothing. Frankly, it was a little inconsiderate. I sent another email, but this time, just in case my emails were just languishing in his inbox because they were unremarkable, I made sure to spell lots of things wrong and even mix the case the letters were in so it would grab his attention. Stopwatch beeper 45 seconds later....and nothing.

Now I began to worry that maybe he was just mad at me. So I scoured the internet for some cute pictures of puppies and kittens doing crazy things and tagged some funny captions on to them and sent it off as a peace offering. There, that would do it.

Nothing.

Emails 12-50 went similarly and, frankly, it was getting frustrating. I'd been trying to contact him for over 15 minutes!

But, alas, I was growing weary. So, I wrote a script that would repeat one of the emails I'd already sent him every 45 seconds until I received a reply. There was no way I was just going to sit back while I was being labelled a spammer. Nobody tarnishes my good name like that (or, at least the name of Jon Braun). I went to sleep.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I'd finally received my response.

It said, "Dude, you're SO blocked."

Weird. He must not have realized those emails were coming from JoHn Braun and not Jon Braun. It's okay, I've been leaving him voicemails every hour for the past day or so. I'll have it all cleared up soon.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, has an H in his name, and does not spam. 10% of all profits from sales of Paranoia will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org). For more information, visit www.jebraun.com.

Handy Manny Ain't Got Nothing On Me...

So, I'm pretty proud. I was going to dance a jig, but thought better of it - for my sake and for the sake of those around me. Instead, I laced up the ol' running shoes and took a victory lap around the block.

Now, you might be wondering "What is it that could get John SO excited, he took a run around the block?"

Well, the answer to that would be nothing. I actually realized that about two houses away from home, stopped, rested for a few minutes, relaced my sneakers, found another two or three ways to waste time while I caught my breath, and walked back home.

Even good athletic footwear cannot force me to exercise. Oh, but there was something I was happy about: I had successfully installed a digital automatic humidifier on my forced hot air system.

Ok, so maybe that doesn't sound all that exciting to you guys, but let me just explain that I have the home maintenance and repair knowledge of a lemur and the work ethic of a member of Congress. This little installation involved removing the old unit, patching up ductwork with sheet metal, running new copper tubing from the hot water heater, installing a drain hose between the unit and the pvc pipe leading to the condensate pump and wiring the unit to the control box, the control box to the furnace controls, the control box to an outdoor sensor, installing a couple of transformers (which - who the hell knew - are NOT only little cars that turn into robots) and...wait..there was something else...oh, right..praying. Lots and lots of praying.

Now luckily, I am a safety director and co-owner of a safety consulting firm, so I knew enough to turn off the power and not drill through my foot. If I was going to blow up my home, I was going to do it safely, damn it.

Well, imagine my surprise after a few trips to Lowe's and Home Depot, some phone calls with an electrician I know, including emailing digital pictures of the wiring schematics of the humidifier and furnace, when I turned the breaker back on and...

...it worked.

No, seriously. No sparks. No flame. No cataclysmic opening of the earth into which my home was swallowed, no wormholes in the fabric of space and time (oh, it's been a good long time since I've mentioned wormholes in the fabric of space and time). All that happened was a soft blue glow emanated from the control box, the fan turned on, and suddenly...humidified air.

Let me just be the first to say...dude, I rock. I, who until recently would have told you that a wire stripper was a really skinny exotic dancer. I, who until recently would have told you that a saddle valve was something you had to open in order to let the horse urinate. I, who until recently would have told you that a heat plenum was...well, I'm still not exactly sure what that is, but that's besides the point...

I did it. Oh, and saved myself a few hundred dollars in the process, which is always kind of cool.

So, that's why I came so close to doing a victory lap. And even though I didn't, two houselengths is a long way for me to run, so it should count for something...

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia and now home repairman extraordinaire. 10% of profits from sales of Paranoia will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org). For more information, visit www.jebraun.com.

Maybe After the Jobs Summit, We Can Invite Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to the White House for a Beer

President Obama has announced that he is going to have a Jobs Summit in December.

For the love of God, Barack, can't you do anything without some grandstanding? You've finally come to accept the fact that joblessness is a problem - despite your claims that the stimulus has created or saved - what is it now? - a gajillion jobs? Something gets my Spidey senses a-tingling over your numbers, though I can't quite place it. Yesterday, I saw somebody write on Twitter that the actual number was eleventy bazillion, but we all know that 'bazillion' is not a real number, so he was obviously lying. If he wanted us to believe his number was accurate, he should have said the stimulus had saved or created eleventy trillion jobs, because we all know 'trillion' is real.

So now we have a jobs summit. Maybe the President will sit down with Jobs and have a beer for a nice photo-op and a 'teachable moment'. The fact is, that while the right has been saying all along that no recovery is worth a damn if people are losing their jobs, the media and the administration have been fluffing it up for everybody, telling you to forget your quickly dwindling unemployment benefits and savings accounts, your pending foreclosure, your inability to buy Christmas presents for your family, and the fact that you're eating Ramen noodles for every mean because the recession was over!! We were back from the brink thanks to our savior Barack! What? Another half a million jobs lost this week? But that's fewer than last week! You should be THRILLED!

Then they started the whisperings about a jobless recovery. They needed to be able to point back to something at some point and say, "See, we warned you of this!" In the end, I guess when unemployment hit 10.2% (almost 18% if you include part time workers looking for full time work and people who have given up looking for work), it was hard to ignore - especially since the exalted stimulus was supposed to keep the unemployment rate from hitting 8%.

But, with the beer summit..sorry..the jobs summit nigh, is Obama all that serious about it? Well, how serious can he be when he's insisting on quickly passing cap and trade - which by way of testament of countries who have instituted cap and trade, kills 2.2 jobs for every 1 it creates? How serious can he be when Pelosi's healthcare plan will raise taxes on employers who will then need to cut back on jobs? I'm sorry, but jobs are NOT a priority for this administration.

If they were SO important, and this summit was SO necessary, why is it not being held until the middle of December? Last I checked, it was still not even the middle of November.

But maybe the problem is, he's got bigger fish to fry in the meantime. In case you haven't heard, 9/11 mastermind (Khalid Sheikh Mohammed oh, I'm sorry..according to Attorney General Eric Holder, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is now back to being a 'suspect') is being brought to NYC for trial. And now we've got a media circus on our hands.

Let's look at some of the problems with this, shall we?

1) The American court system...the liberties provided by the U.S. Constitution are for AMERICAN CITIZENS, not people who would see the United States destroyed given the opportunity (and, who have, in fact, tried).

2) This gives more popularity to the terrorists. It raises their esteem. It gives them marketing and recruiting opportunities.

3) In order to properly try this monster in court, all information will need to be revealed, all methods of acquiring that information will need to be revealed. I'm not even talking about torture, but top secret intelligence gathering methods will need to be revealed. If not to the world, at least to a terrorist and his attorney...but, yeah, to the world, too.

4) This opens the door for a mistrial. Do you think you can find somebody in New York City who isn't aware of the events of 9/11 to serve on a jury? So now there can be motions for a change of venue or claims of mistrial...at the very best delaying the trial, at the very worst, causing KSM to walk free.

5) If they manage to find people in NYC who have never heard of 9/11 - um, do you wnat the fate of this terrorist in THEIR hands? I wouldn't want the fate of a Judge Judy case in their hands..

This...man...should have had a military tribunal and disappeared into obscurity. This is foolish. Not to mention any time he spends in a prison, we run the risk of him radicalizing other inmates. Oh yeah, there's that. Oh, and did we mention the increased security risk of having KSM in NYC? I mean, do we not feel that this is a problem or is going to cost a boatload of money?

The more I see, the more I believe this administration does not have the best interests of the American people at heart. They're doing all this stuff for somebody...but it is not for us.

Is it Politically Inorrect to Call Political Correctness "Jackassery"?

As I was driving into work today, I noticed a bumper sticker on a car in front of me and one lane over. It was one of those bumper stickers that I don't think you're meant to read unless the car is parked, because it's so small you have to get dangerously close to the other car and take your eyes off the road in order to read it. Mind you, I'm not saying I did that!! Goodness, no. I just happen to know what it says because I have, um...really good eyesight. Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, the sticker said, "Some days I hate being me, then I think about you and I thank God I'm not you" or something like that. I'm not sure if that was the exact quote because after I got about 3/4 of the way through the sticker, I became disgusted with this guy's total jackassery (which if not a word, SHOULD be a word) and ran him off the road.

I mean, seriously, he doesn't even KNOW me! Of course, a couple of my co-workers, a police detective, and the driver of the car have made the preposterous suggestion that maybe the sticker wasn't aimed at me personally. At least, I think that's what the driver said. It's hard to understand somebody from inside a full body cast.

Anyway, I wanted to quickly comment on the Ft. Hood shooting before reposting my Veteran's Day post from last year (after reading it, I decided it still said everything I wished to say). Ft. Hood was a tragic, avoidable event. 13 people are dead because we have become so politically correct in this country that we force law enforcement into a state of impotence. They can't follow up on what were an overwhelming amount of indicators that this shooter - Major Nidal Malik Hasan - had been radicalized. They knew he'd been speaking out against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Fine, everybody is entitled to their opinion, but here was a man who was saying that car bombings were justified. He was saying that he was Muslim first and American second. THAT poses a big problem for somebody who has sworn to fight ALL enemies of the United States both foreign and domestic. He had attempted to contact Al Qaeda (which apparently Chris Matthews of MSNBC's Hardball doesn't think is a crime). Yet, nobody stopped him because....HE WAS MUSLIM and they were scared as hell that it would be seen as discriminatory.

And now 13 are dead. Look, I expect that if somebody hears of a Christian extremist planning to go blow up abortion clinics, that that person be turned into the authorities and investigated. If a Jewish extremist was overheard discussing how he wanted to blow up Mosques, that person should be turned into the authorities and investigated. If a Buddhist..well...those Buddhists are peaceful little people, aren't they?

Anyway, this situation is worse. This man was a MAJOR in the U.S. Army and just like our political correctness puts our soldiers in harms way by restricting the rules of engagement in Iraq and Afghanistan, it caused the death of 13 people here at home. The insanity has to stop.

Now, in all that I wrote, did anyone see anything about condemning all Muslims? Or putting them in camps as the Democrats' hero FDR did with the Japanese during WWII? No. But we have to recognize extremism for what it is and not be like this self-righteous idiot Peter Santilli on Twitter who said that Christian drunk-drivers are a bigger threat to the nation. If you can't see that a drunk driver at NO point said, I am a Christian, therefore I'm going to drink, get in my car, and drive until I kill somebody and that drunk driving is not exclusive to any one religion, and that - therefore - religion has nothing at all to do with drunk driving fatalities, then you are, as stated, an idiot.

When all was said and done, there were red flags all over the place. 13 people are dead and shouldn't be. Political correctness needs to be put in check and fast, before more people die as a result. Now, of course, if anybody reading this agrees and is an agent or publisher, I have a novel, The Offensive about political correctness gone awry, for sale.

I'm just saying....

Anyway, as promised, here is last year's Veterans' Day post:

Thank You, Veterans

I woke up this morning and did not fear what the day would bring. - Thank you veterans.

I admired our home as I got ready for work - a home we are able to provide to our children because we can achieve anything we want in this country as long as we are willing to work hard for it. - Thank you veterans.

I kissed my children goodbye, and thought about the limitless possibilities for their futures. - Thank you veterans.

I kissed my wife goodbye and went to work, leaving her and the kids in the security and safety of our home. - Thank you veterans.

I listened to the radio on my way to work, choosing what I wished to hear. - Thank you veterans.

I breathed the sweet air of freedom that IS America and thought about the many men and women of the U.S. armed forces who have served in combat - men and women who put their lives on the line to provide the freedom we all enjoy today. I thought about them and I said, "Thank you."

In case you aren't aware, today is Veteran's Day in the U.S. Originally celebrated, and still celebrated to this day in many parts of the world, as Armistice Day - the day the armistice was signed to end WWI. Unlike Memorial Day, this is a day to honor those soldiers still living. Some would argue that these men and women, who saw first-hand the horrors of war have it harder than those that did not return - having to live each day with the memories of the things they saw and the friends they lost.

It's also important to remember our military men and women who never saw combat - the fact is, they volunteered to go should we need them, and that's just as important in my book. For those of us that never had to experience combat first hand, we can only thank God and these men and women that we have not had to.

On Veteran's Day, I also like to think of the parents and families of soldiers killed in action. To me, they are survivors as well - people who bear the scars of war. I know, as a father, I would easily give my life to protect my children. If the choice was me or them, there would be no choice. These parents gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom - their children. I know this is not necessarily the intent of the day, but I don't think any veteran would begrudge me for feeling this way.

Regardless, we should thank our veterans every day, but should it be something that slips your mind the rest of the year, make a point of thanking one today. As my friend, Ed - a US Marine, pointed out, especially make an effort to thank a veteran of WWII or Korea because time is running short on having the opportunity to do so.

War, as we all know, isn't always popular. Vietnam was heavily protested and the war in Iraq is one in which many Americans wish we had never gotten involved. Hopefully, though, we have learned something since the Vietnam era - that despite your opinions on the war - these men and women who fight for our freedom are heroes. They put their lives on the line VOLUNTARILY so that you and I may eat, breathe, sleep, work and play the way we want.

Never forget the sacrifices made on our behalf, breathe in the air of freedom that IS America, and thank a veteran today.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, a 9/11 survivor's tale. Jim survived 9/11, but his life did not. Follow one man's journey through post-traumatic stress as he attempts to rediscover what once made life worth living. 10% of profits from sales of Paranoia will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org). For more information, visit www.jebraun.com.

Sesame Street and The US Marines Have More in Common than Having Cool Theme Songs

The election took a lot out of me so, you might have noticed that I haven't blogged in about a week. I actually began to write a blog about healthcare yesterday since the bill passed a House vote on Saturday night, but couldn't curb my disgust enough to do it.

Now, if, just a year-and-a-half ago, someone had told me that I'd be sitting on the couch on a Saturday night watching a Congressional healthcare vote on C-Span, I would have punched them in the face. Then I would have apologized and asked them to repeat what they'd said because I wasn't listening. I've got to get out of that habit of reflexively punching people in the face.

My grandmother still won't speak to me.

I have apologized and acknowledged that 'Did you eat dinner?' was not deserving of a fist to the jaw, but, man, what a grudge-holder! Seriously, let it go already...

Anyway, I went on and on in my blog about why this healthcare bill is bad, why it's not going to do the things the government says it will do, and why it will do the things the government says it won't do, but I just had to stop. I've said it all before, so those of you who read my blog either agree by now or don't and never will.

So, I will just leave you today with this: two very important birthdays are being celebrated today: Sesame Street's (40th) and the United States Marines. Sesame Street has been a valuable tool in the education of this nation's children and the Marines have been instrumental in protecting those same children and providing them the freedom to grow up to be whatever they want to be. Happy Birthday and thank you to both!

One thing...Sesame Street people, if you can hear this you really dropped the ball on not doing a 'Don't punch people in the face' episode, brought to you by the letter I when I was a kid. You might want to consider it for the sake of today's youth. I'm no programming expert, I'm just saying it might do some good.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, a 9/11 survivor's tale. Jim survived 9/11 but his life did not. Follow one man's journey through post-traumatic stress as he attempts to rediscover what once made life worth living. 10% of profits from sales of Paranoia will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org). For more information, visit www.jebraun.com.

Good Luck, Mr. Christie. We're All Counting On You

I'm proud of my fellow New Jerseyans today. Congratulations to Chris Christie on winning the gubernatorial race (alas, it will be quite some time before I get to use 'gubernatorial' as much as I have in recent days...). Anyway, we'll get back to Chris Christie in a moment.

I want to temper my pride in my fellow New Jerseyans just a drop because while we went out and crusaded against, in large part, higher taxes and runaway spending, we SIMULTANEOUSLY approved the state to BORROW $400 MILLION. Can we start to see why we're in such a mess? Look, open space is a nice thing, in fact, in my hometown I voted to NOT drop the amount set aside for it, but that did not include borrowing $400 million when we're already going to have a $10 Billion defecit. Oh well...that bird's flown the coop.

Now, for Chris Christie. I said all along, he might not do a good job, but he couldn't do worse than Corzine. Either way, we voted him in hoping he'd reduce property taxes, fight corruption, curb our spending and not bow to the massive NJ political machine. He's got a lot to live up to, that's for sure. It will be difficult because the state is in terrible condition, but I will not whine about 'inheriting this problem'. He will have an uphill battle against the state's mostly Democrat senate and Assembly (two assemblymen under indictment for corruption were voted BACK IN to office last night), but I will not cry that we need to 'give him a chance'. If he is attempting to do things that are good for this state, I will support him and if he does things that I deem bad, I will speak out against it. Either way, this man has a lot riding on his shoulders. This is a state that voted for Obama by a 16% margin one year ago today.

Now, I'm not saying this election was a backlash against Obama. Frankly, it was a backlash against Corzine. Look, you're a Democrat running in a VERY Democrat state. You have a Republican running that the Republican base isn't exactly thrilled about. You have an independent swiping votes from your opponent. Your party is financing advertising FOR the independent to get more votes away from the Republican. Obama visits 3 times (or more?), Bill Clinton visits, Biden visits, Al Gore visits and you still can't win? THAT is a backlash against Jon Corzine.

Now does it say anything for the national stage? Sure. It tells politicians that they are vulnerable no matter who they are. It tells them that just because they're Democrats in a Democrat state, doesn't mean we won't hesitate to vote them out if they're not doing what we expect them to do. Hopefully, more than anything else, it makes our Congressmen and women, and our Senators, THINK about their constituencies and vote for what the PEOPLE want rather than what they want or what lines their pockets.

Chris Christie already pledged to go on NJ101.5 once a month for the next four years to take calls directly from the people of NJ. Corzine was the first governor since they began doing that to say he wouldn't. So, already, he wants to be more accessible to the people.

Good luck Mr. Christie and congratulations. You have quite a bit riding on your shoulders and we're all counting on you. Now's the time for you to show us what you've got.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, a 9/11 survivor's tale. Jim survived 9/11 but his life did not. Follow one man's journey through post-traumatic stress as he attempts to rediscover what once made life worth living. 10% of profits from sales of Paranoia will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org). For more information, visit www.jebraun.com.

Vote Early, Vote Often (Okay, I'm Just Kidding About the Often Part...)

November 2. Day of the Dead in Mexico. While that sounds creepy and may invoke images of restless spirits, vengeful poltergeists, animated skeletons and lumbering zombies, the reality is that all that occurs on the Day of the Dead is that dead people are entitled to a free dessert at Applebees.

Kind of anti-climactic, I know. Those Mexicans just don't know how to do a holiday. At least we would add a fireworks display.

Now, granted, I'm not Mexican, so maybe I have this all wrong, but I'm pretty sure the Applebees thing is accurate.

So, while today is the Day of the Dead in Mexico, tomorrow could be the Dawn of the Better Off Dead in NJ if Corzine is re-elected. Recent polls are encouraging, but the race is so tight it's really going to fall down to how many people get their backsides to the polls. If you want 4 more years of higher property taxes, higher sales taxes, loss of property tax relief, pandering to union bosses, theft of our money, broken promises, lies, and an 800% increase in tolls, go out and vote for Corzine. Can I promise that none of these things will happen under Christie? No, but Corzine already proved they WILL happen under him.

We've got to wake up, NJ. If we keep accepting the same corruption, fraud, waste, and abuse that we've been getting, then we DESERVE to be buried in taxes and to be run out of the state because we can't afford to live here. But, if you love living here, then now's the chance to make a statement. The entire Assembly is up for election. Let's boot all the incumbents out and make them understand that we're not going to take their crap any longer. Let's make it clear to the next group that if they come in and try more of the same, then they'll be gone too. Doing that will also let the Senators know that their days in office are numbered if they don't start representing us the way we deserve to be represented. We've had our state torn from us and, if you don't believe it, ask any of the hundreds of thousands who have been forced to leave the state in the past couple of years. Ask any of the businesses who have been forced to close their doors because they can't afford to operate in NJ's oppressive business environment (losing tons of jobs in the process).

We need to make our politicians understand that this is OUR state, not their plaything with which they can do what they please. Our personal income is not an endless pool of wealth that they get to siphon from anytime they have a self-serving whim. Enough is enough.

Get out there tomorrow and vote. Your ONE vote MAKES A DIFFERENCE, don't ever believe it doesn't. This race is practically a dead-heat. Polls open at 6am and are open until 8pm. Don't wait until the last minute, because a long line can make you miss your chance.

So, if you're going to Mexico tonight to get your free dessert at Applebees, just make sure you get back in time for the election. The dead will understand if you have to cut the night short a little.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, a 9/11 survivor's tale. Jim survived 9/11, but his life did not. Follow one man's journey through post traumatic stress as he attempts to rediscover what once made life worth living. 10% of profits will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org). For more information, visit, www.jebraun.com.